Today’s Horoscope: A Great Day for Pissaedae (Lat.)

In today’s horoscope, the astrological sign Pissaedae (Lat.) is going to have a great day. It’s a fresh start for a predictable life, which is just what the grumpy sign wants.

Wash away those cobwebs and sorrows, because tomorrow you’re going to Europe with your secret lover. Your clothes will be perfectly pressed, without a wrinkle or a speck of dust in sight when you open your suitcase.

You’re not going to be outed in Amsterdam today or anytime this month. Whether you’re 20 or 75, your belts are always keeping your pants up. And don’t worry, Pissaedae (Lat.)—your bootstraps are pulling you up for the month of May.

Watch out for muddy shoes! Keep those treads clean and it will be azaleas all day long.

This, of course, all depends on whether there is mud on your shoes—because if there is, you’ll trip on the shoes left in the hallway and get a bump on your knee. It will swell, and you’ll shout in agony. You’ll shout until your lover hears you and whisks you away to a cabin in the Catskills, promising to wipe all the mud off your shoes.

You know your luck has changed once you get breakfast in bed, which comprises fresh-picked strawberries found wild along the edge of the lake.

Unfortunately, there was a motorboat crash and oil leaked onto the strawberries and poisoned you. So you violently throw up and don’t know if you’ll survive—as you see fragments of bone and know that’s a sign of death.

You’ll plead with your lover, who has ipecac syrup, and it clears out all the toxins from your body.

You feel so great you strip off all your clothes and run into the lake. But you trip on a rock and break your toe. You land with your face in the water—which thankfully clears away your tears so nobody sees how much pain you’re in. But because nobody knew you were hurt, you start to weaken and drown in one inch of water.

But your lover finds you—and saves you!

Astrological sign: Pissy Days (Pissaedae)
Ruling Element: Damp
Symbol: Muddy Boot with Sunburst
Compatible Signs: Melanchorpius, Virgo Rising (but only when retrograde)