Melissa Changes Everything

Melissa Changes Everything

Melissa Changes Everything

Melissa always thought she didn’t matter, just a speck of dust in the universe. She tried to convince herself otherwise, repeating the mantra: “I am important, I am loved, I matter, and I have fun!” She set an alarm on her teal blue iPhone 14 for 9:00 AM every morning. The “Dollop” ringtone had an upbeat tempo she thought would help.

Melissa tried not to feel sorry for herself. She tried therapy, journaling, meditation, and even cocaine—anything to lift her spirits. Despite having moments of fun and joy in her life, she could never fully silence the nagging thought that she didn’t matter.

When Melissa turned fifty—a milestone she had dreaded more than most things—everything truly began to fall apart. She was diagnosed with a devastating, terminal disease. Her genetic report came back showing several pathological mutations, prompting her doctors to run even more tests.

The results were grim: she was at high risk for pneumothorax and renal cancer, with cysts riddled throughout her body. Her strength was whittling away like a ship lost in the fog. To make matters worse, her follow-up MRI flagged a suspicion of cancer.

How could this all happen at once? And why now, in her fiftieth year?

Melissa was despondent. Tears came and went without warning. She couldn’t shake the feeling that this was the universe’s way of telling her there wasn’t enough room for her anymore. She sat with the weight of it all, trying to make sense of the chaos.

Melissa didn’t want to be a sob story. She didn’t want others to feel sorry for her. So, she distracted herself by turning on the TV.

It was the news. Ronald Drumf and Felon Tusk had rigged the recent election, and democracy was crumbling.

She stared in disbelief as the United States, now barely united, fell into the grip of fascism and oligarchy—a pattern repeating across the globe. Terror washed over her. What could she possibly do?

Then, a wry smile crept across her face. She mattered! She was falling apart, and so was democracy.

“Thank you, universe!” she shouted.

The world wasn’t able to function without her, so it fell into the hands of evil. She realized, in that moment, she was responsible for saving the world—saving democracy itself.

Melissa was determined to heal, to get better. She immersed herself in therapies and self-help classes, convinced that saving herself would save the U.S. and the Earth. The power of the mind, she decided, was a valuable weapon.

Weeks of relentless positivity began to yield results. She started seeing glimmers of hope. An underground coalition of more than 100,000 federal workers, lawmakers, judges, and citizens was fighting back.

Her doctors were astounded. Her body was healing. Melissa knew she mattered, and she made every moment count.

“I’ve heard of miracles, but I’ve never really seen one,” her doctor said, studying the computer screen in front of them. “Not that I’m calling this a miracle. I am, after all, aware of the placebo effect. Look here—your nerves have revived, and your cysts have disappeared. But how are you feeling, Melissa?”

Melissa smiled and lifted herself slightly, pressing her hands against the chair. “I am important, I am loved, I matter, and I have fun!” she declared.

Then she looked at the doctor for approval—but quickly looked away. She didn’t need his approval. She already had the answers within her.

The doctor smiled back. “That’s great, Melissa. Well, we should still keep a close eye on things. I’ll order some labs, and we’ll follow up in eight weeks.”

“Great, thanks, Dr. Kevorkian,” Melissa replied, her voice light. She couldn’t wait to get home for her 4:00 PM alarm: “People love me, people learn from me, people love helping me.”

As she left the small office, the television in the lobby blared with breaking news.

“Breaking news!” the newscaster announced. “Countries worldwide have been working together and have finally arrested the authoritarian leaders. They are being tried at The Hague for war crimes and treason.”

Trouble at the A&P

Trouble at the A&P

Trouble at the A&P

AT RISE: Two women, Woman One and Woman Two, sit on a bench with a stark white wall behind them.

Woman One: I keep forgetting to forget. Do you ever forget things?

Woman Two: All the time.

Woman One: I get fixated. My therapist told me when I get fixated to take three deep breaths, then count from 10 to 1 in my head. Then turn my body to change my focus. Honestly though, it was so embarrassing when I was in the checkout line at the A&P and the cashier was haphazardly putting the produce on the scale—these fruits and vegetables are delicate! Then the bagger was putting my bananas in the same bag with my milk! I don’t think this was so much one of my obsessions, except for I’m obsessed with having my produce unbruised. I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. But the manager told me I can’t grab the aprons of the employees and admonish them. I tried to tell him that I have rights, too. And if I’m paying $2.99 per pound for bananas…

Woman Two: (Nodding in agreement)

Woman One: …I’m sure as heck not going to stand for them to be damaged at the hands of the employees. Don’t they teach respect for the groceries in their store training? Well anyway, the manager said I couldn’t shop there if I was going to behave like this. So I talked about it with my therapist, and this is what she told me to do, but it was humiliating. The cashier and the bagger were just staring at me. They couldn’t have been older than 20 years old. How could they possibly understand the nuances of personality? Honestly, I don’t know what they teach kids these days.

Woman Two: Well, good for you for trying to control yourself. I don’t like that manager of the A&P with his red apron,wire-rim glasses, and red hair. Does he think he’s better than us just because he towers over us in height?

Woman One: I’m with you on that. And anyway, who calls the police when someone is having a potential breakdown?The police don’t know how to handle it.

Woman Two: I hear you. So, are they charging you?

Woman One: No, of course not. I didn’t break the law.

Woman Two: Yeah, me neither. I only started crying when the bagger dropped the eggs, and they made such a mess, and then a little kid slipped on the gooey eggs and started crying. So I cried. When is it a crime to cry?

A police officer walks over to the two women.

Officer: Please, ladies. I want to apologize on behalf of the Pleasant Valley police station. We have detained the manager of the A&P. Apparently, he’s been pressing charges all week. And it’s against company policy to press fraudulent charges just for a $100 bonus. Apparently, he’s racked up $10,000 this month alone! You ladies are free to go.

What’s My Name?

What’s My Name?

What’s My Name?

CHARACTERS:

Man: A 62-year-old man, dressed in a slightly rumpled suit, carrying a briefcase.

Agent: A clerk at a government office, efficient and friendly.

SETTING: A sterile, brightly lit office with a counter and a few chairs.

AT RISE: Man approaches the counter nervously. Agent looks up with a smile.

Man: Hi.

Agent: Hi, what’s your name?

Man: I’m Werjhbfkudvnjd

Man attempts to pronounce the name, but it’s a jumbled mess. Agent raises an eyebrow, trying to keep a straight face.

Agent: That’s quite a name.

Man: That’s why I’m here. I need a revision.

Agent: No, you don’t. You just need a name change.

Man: I can do that?

Agent: Of course, as long as you’re over 18, and I’m sure you are.

Man: Yes, I’m 62. I thought I needed to revise my entire life, and I thought that might take too long. It is quite a relief that I can just change my name.

Agent: That would definitely take a long time.

Man: This is such a relief. I can’t tell you how much trouble my name has given me.

Agent: I can imagine—it’s lacking vowels.

Man: Yes, people didn’t know what to call me growing up. I got teased a lot.

Agent: I can imagine. But how did you get a name like that?

Man: I was told that the clerk had narcolepsy and they fell asleep while typing my birth certificate.

Agent: Surely your parents could have amended it.

Man: Surely they could have, but they didn’t. They thought it was quirky. But I’m a patent inspector. I’m not quirky. It’s made it hard for me to get jobs. But I finally figured out that I could use a cover letter so that I could explain my name. That’s how I got my job.

Agent: But what did people call you?

Man: Werjhbfkudvnjd

Agent: Didn’t you have a nickname?

Man: I never thought about it. What could be a nickname for Werj—

Agent: (Interrupting) I get it, I get it. Okay. So what do you have in mind?

Man: I can pick any name?

Agent: Sure, it’s your name.

Man: Wow. Okay. I’d like to name myself… Oh, this is so exciting… Normal.

Agent looks confused.

Agent: Do you mean Norman?

Man: No! Normal. That’s my name. I love it. Thanks for your help!

Man beams and exits, leaving Agent shaking their head in amusement.

BLACKOUT

A Joyless Search

A Joyless Search

A Joyless Search

SETTING: A cluttered living room. The furniture is slightly askew, cushions are out of place, and books lie open on the coffee table. A step stool is in the corner. All the lights are on, casting a bright glow over the chaos.

TIME: June 2025

AT RISE: PENELOPE stands on the step stool, peeking behind the bookcase. ROGER is on his hands and knees, looking under the couch. He scoots across the floor, lifts the cushions one by one, and peers behind them. PENELOPE moves the stool to the window and climbs again, peeking behind the curtains. ROGER moves to the coffee table, flipping through books and lifting knickknacks. PENELOPE walks over to ROGER, lifts the back of his shirt, and ruffles his hair.

PENELOPE

(Frustrated) Can you see her?

ROGER

(Stopping, earnest) No, I can’t.

PENELOPE

(Sighing) I can’t either.

ROGER

(Flustered, a little out of breath) I’m looking everywhere. There’s no sign of her.

PENELOPE

(Stepping back, shouting) Joy! Joy! Where are you? Come out, Joy. Come back to us!

ROGER nods in agreement, searching half-heartedly now.

PENELOPE

(Sadly, looking at ROGER) I can’t find Joy anywhere. Maybe she really is gone.

ROGER

(Putting an arm around her) She might be. There may never be joy in our lives again.

PENELOPE

(Looking down, shaking her head) I can’t imagine we’ll never see Joy again. This is too much. This is so sad.

ROGER

(Slowly nodding) Yes. It’s joyless. We are without Joy. There is no Joy here.

PENELOPE

(Resolute) We can’t just accept this, Roger. I can’t stand not having any joy in my life.

ROGER

(Sighing) I know. But we have to face facts. Joy is not here. Joy is gone. Forever.

PENELOPE starts fixing the cushions on the couch. She sits down heavily. ROGER follows suit, fixing the cushions beside her. He sits next to her and puts a hand on her knee.

PENELOPE

(Speaking softly, staring into the distance) I can’t imagine. We must have joy in our lives. What are we going to do without Joy?

ROGER

(Shrugging, looking at her) I don’t know.

PENELOPE looks up at ROGER, then slowly turns to face him. She takes his hand.

PENELOPE

(Musing) Maybe… maybe we should find more ways to bring joy into our lives. Let’s go to the bedroom. Let’s have sex. Let’s try to make a baby. We can name the baby Joy. That way, we’ll bring Joy back into our lives.

ROGER

(Smiling) Why go to the bedroom? We can make Joy right here on the couch.

PENELOPE

(Laughing, playfully hitting him) Oh, Roger, you sly fox. You know I could never do that. No, we’ll make a new Joy in the bedroom.

ROGER

(Smiling mischievously) What if she comes back?

PENELOPE

(Resolute) We need to face facts. The old Joy is gone. All we have now is the chance to make our own.

ROGER

(Chuckling) It’s a good idea, Penelope. But what if the baby is a boy? We can’t have Joy then.

PENELOPE

(Shaking her head) Don’t be silly, ROGER. Joy is not gendered. Joy can be a girl, boy, intersex, or non-binary. It doesn’t matter. We will bring Joy back to us no matter what.

ROGER

(Hugging her tightly) You’re right. It doesn’t matter what Joy looks like. We just need Joy back.

PENELOPE

(Smiling, standing up, and taking his hand) Come on. Let’s go.

They exit hand in hand, leaving the messy room behind.

BLACKOUT



A Tangle of Keys and Kisses

A Tangle of Keys and Kisses

A Tangle of Keys and Kisses

This experimental triptych presents three short stories intertwined through variations of the same core sentences. Each tale shifts in tone and perspective, weaving together humor, competition, and absurd drama while remaining anchored by shared pivotal moments.

Story One

Trixie climbed to the top of the dome and screamed, “I found the key!” Jan and Bill cheered; now they would be able to get into the storage room to get the tools they needed. Susan was mad. She didn’t want Jan and Bill to compete; she knew it would be a bad idea. Still, Trixie climbed down from the top of the dome, walked over to Jan and Bill, and said, “Good luck. May the best person win. And whoever wins gets to take me to bed.”

Jan and Bill looked at each other and smirked. Jan licked her lips, and Bill tapped his feet in a little dance. Suddenly, Susan squirted Sam’s hot dog with red, juicy ketchup. Sam looked at Susan, astonished at her audacity.

“What are you doing, Susan? I always put the relish on first, then the onions, then the mustard, and then the ketchup!”

Susan blushed. “Sorry, Sam. I got a little excited once I realized we are going to do this thing. I haven’t had such an exciting event since the last time Dick Clark did the New Year’s countdown.”

Everyone walked over to the racetrack, and Jan and Bill ran through the finish line at the exact same time. It made history, and everyone would talk about it for years.


Story Two

Jan and Bill ran through the finish line at the exact same time. It made history, and everyone would talk about it for years. Susan looked at Sam and said, “What do you think they’ll do? Will Trixie have to sleep with them both?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess they’ll have to decide that.”

Susan rolled her eyes at Sam. He never committed to anything.

Trixie walked over to the dome. She climbed to the top and screamed, “I found the key!”

Everyone looked up at Trixie and gasped.

“Trixie, get down from there! Throw away the key, and don’t let them find it. You’re asking for trouble,” shouted Susan.

She started frantically packing hot dogs into their buns and placing them in a line on a plate. She searched for the ketchup bottle, finally finding it on the ground. Picking it up, she wiped off the dirt. Suddenly, Susan squirted Sam’s hot dog with red, juicy ketchup.


Story Three

Suddenly, Susan squirted Sam’s hot dog with red, juicy ketchup. Sam looked at Susan intently, picked up the mustard bottle, and squirted Susan’s hot dog with golden, spicy mustard.

Susan laughed. “Oh, Sam. You do make me smile. I love the way you squirt my hot dog with mustard. Hey, should we take our hot dogs into the house and find a bedroom?” She winked at Sam.

He threw down his hot dog, grabbed Susan, and kissed her, right in front of Jan and Bill.

Jan and Bill could not believe their spouses were smooching in front of everyone. They ran through the finish line at the exact same time. It made history, and everyone would talk about it for years.

Susan and Sam snuck off to the bedroom and locked the door. Jan and Bill stopped celebrating and got everyone’s attention.

Everyone started looking for the key. They searched high and low, far and wide.

Trixie climbed to the top of the dome and screamed, “I found the key!”

Everyone cheered, and Bill ran over to Trixie. “Throw it down!” he said.

Trixie tossed the key to Bill.

“You’re not going to do anything crazy, are you?” she asked.

“I’m going to kill them. They humiliated me.”

Bill ran toward the house with the key, and Jan ran after him, jumping on his back and sending him to the ground.

“Bill, I can’t let you do this. You’ll regret it.”

“Get off me, Jan!” Bill shouted, struggling beneath her.

Trixie ran over with a shovel and hit Bill over the head. He passed out—or died.

“Shit, is he dead?” Trixie asked.

“God, I hope not, Trix. Why’d you do that?” Jan asked.

Trixie replied, “Because I’m pregnant with Bill’s baby, and he said he wasn’t going to leave Susan for me.”