Facebook Said You Were Dead

I heard a rumor that you were dead. Is that true? Maybe you just moved on from Facebook? I went to your page, and there were all these posts that talked about how they “miss you,” “gone too soon,” and “I remember when.”

Maybe it was a prompt from Facebook: Fill this person’s news feed with dozens of posts with those sentence starters. Do you think it’s a Facebook automation? How do they do it? I really wish I were in one of those meetings with Mark Zuckerberg. He might be a thief, liar, and jerk, but he sure knows how to assemble a great meeting of the minds. I’m wary of his meeting with Trump, though.

So how did they figure it out? I bet they started with a notification ding—”You haven’t posted on so-and-so’s page in a while. Why don’t you start a post with ‘I miss you,'” for example.

So they bombarded Facebook abandoners’ feeds with messages from dozens of friends. So then Facebook sends an email for each message to the abandoner so they get back onto Facebook, even if it’s just to turn off notifications. They’ve got you. They’re back, and you’re engaged, and maybe you’ll click on one of the dozen or so sponsored posts, and Facebook is back to making money on you again. These are the types of things they discuss, plan, and implement in these meetings. I sure wish I lived in Palo Alto. Is that where their headquarters are? If not, I could always go to Stanford University. Even if I sit somewhere on campus near other people, I’m bound to learn something.

I wonder if I should write a post on your page. I would definitely say, “I remember when we put on matching outfits with tutus and rhinestone suspenders and we danced to ‘I Feel Good’ by James Brown. That was my favorite memory of you.” So I hope you aren’t dead and this is just another one of Facebook’s tactics.

I wouldn’t put it past them, but I went through my phone, and I don’t have your contact saved. I’m bummed about that because I really do like you. I just lost track of time, and so I guess your contact didn’t get saved. So if you see this, please respond to me by phone or text at 555-369-2545. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your dancing partner,

Alex