A One-Act Play
CAST OF CHARACTERS
AMBER- Early twenties. She is a young, hip artist. Wears stylish, trendy clothes. Hair: shoulder length (one length).
ANNIE- Mid-forties; plain woman, friendly. Wears plaid flannel shirts tucked in with brown slacks. Hair: Mullet.
VIC- Mid-forties; confident and cocky. Wears cheap suits and skinny ties. Hair: Mullet.
JIMMY- Mid-forties; tries too hard. Wears well-worn wrinkled shirts with ill-fitting black dress pants. Hair: Mullet.
EXTRAS- Mid-forties. Varied office attire. Hair: Mullets.
SETTING: Four desks and chairs are set up in a minimal-looking office.
TIME: The year is 2008. Despite the turn of the millennium, this office and its workers remain a tribute to the past.
ACT I, Scene One
AT RISE: ANNIE, JIMMY and EXTRAS are sitting at desks. THEY all have MULLETS.
AMBER walks onto stage as she steps through the door for the first time. She gawks at everyone’s hair.
ANNIE
(Rises from her desk) You must be Amber. Joan from Staffed To Be Sure called and said you were on your way. (Extends hand) I’m Annie. You’ll be filling in as an assistant.
AMBER
(Doubtfully) Well, I’m not sure how long I’ll be here. (Looks around at everyone, noting hairstyles and grimacing). Probably just today.
ANNIE
(Assuredly) Oh, the first day is always nerve-wracking. You’ll be fine. Joan tells me you’re an artist. You can really help us get some culture in here.
AMBER
(Meekly) Yes, I’m sure you’re right.
ANNIE
Everyone, this is Amber. She’s filling in for Karen while she’s on maternity leave.
Greetings from ALL
AMBER
(Tries to be friendly, forces a contorted smile) Hi Everyone.
ANNIE
You can take Karen’s desk right here (gestures to the desk next to JIMMY). Lucky us, we’re deskmates (jovially).
AMBER
(Abashed) Great.
AMBER slips into her chair and slips her bag under the desk. She has a look of discontent on her face.
JIMMY
(Turning to AMBER, tries to come across as suave) Wow, it’s great to meet you (looks her up and down). Do you, ah, live around here? Are you, ah, new in town?
AMBER
(Recoils) Yes, I’m new.
She starts fussing with items on the desk, avoiding his conversation.
JIMMY
(Still looking at AMBER) It’s just that I haven’t seen you around town. You ever go shopping, or to the park? Pretty girl like you must have a busy life, you single?
AMBER
(Restrained) Hmmm, well I’d rather stick to my work than talk about my personal life. (As in shut up) No offense.
AMBER looks around to see if she notices anyone with a regular haircut. She returns her attention to her desk and avoids looking at JIMMY’S face.
JIMMY
(Sits back, gestures hands out to show it’s no big deal) Hey, no offense taken here, we can be office buds. (HE turns back to face his desk.)
AMBER
(Outwardly disdainful) Great. (Turns to ANNIE) So, what can I start on?
ANNIE
Ah, yes, let’s get these inputs into the computer.
She stands up with a stack of papers, then fiddles with AMBER’S computer.
ENTER VIC. He walks in and stops when he notices AMBER.
VIC
(Cheesy smile) Oh, now, Annie, you didn’t tell me we hired a sweet little lady.
ANNIE
(Smiling) Good morning, Vic; this is Amber. She’s filling in for Karen.
VIC
(Still smiling at AMBER, gestures a pregnant belly.) Yeah, that’s Karen. She’s good at making babies. What is that, five or six now?
AMBER
(With disgust) I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.
JIMMY
(Turns to VIC) Vic, this is a real feisty one. She doesn’t want to make friends with us oldies. Just look at her with her stylish hair and clothes.
AMBER
(Defensively) I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot here; I only want to do a good job on my first day.
VIC
(Sits on the edge of AMBER’S desk and leans in toward her.) Don’t you worry honey; I’m sure you’ll do fine.
ANNIE
(Slightly stern) Vic, get to work and leave her alone. She’s only just walked in the door; give her a break already.
VIC
(Playfully) Oh, Annie, you’re always on my back.
ANNIE
(Playing back) That’s enough, Vic. To your desk (she points to the back desk).
VIC
(To ANNIE) Okay, okay. (To JIMMY, intimately) Hey Jimmy, guess who I ran into on Saturday night?
JIMMY
(Juicing) Oh yeah, who’s that?
VIC
(Walks over to JIMMY’s desk) Monica. I was out cruisin’ in my Trans Am when I saw her. Man, she looked hot. She still has that gorgeous long blond feathered hair and legs up to her neck. (Shaking his head in loving disbelief) Yeah, so we went into Cliff’s Hangout, bada bing bada bam.
JIMMY
(Laughing) Vic, you’re too much. You really know how to find a good time.
AMBER looks horrified at the interaction between the two men.
ANNIE
Now, Boys, get back to work. You’ll scare the new girl (she looks at AMBER she smiles).
AMBER feigns a smile back. VIC sits at his desk. ALL put their heads down to work.
Beat
ANNIE
(Standing) It looks like it’s lunchtime, Amber. Come, join me. I’ll introduce you around.
AMBER
Thanks, Annie.
AMBER stands and grabs her bag. ALL walk offstage single file.
BLACKOUT
ACT I, Scene Two
ENTER ANNIE and AMBER: They walk on stage, with the front lights on, as if walking down a hallway.
ANNIE
How do you like it here so far, Amber? Any questions? Is Vic a bit intense for you?
AMBER
I guess so. He does seem a little oblivious.
ANNIE
(Laughs) Ha! Yes, well, Vic can be a bit oblivious. He was (uses quotation mark hands) “The Cool Guy” back in high school. All the girls loved him. I guess he never grew out of that. He’s harmless though, once you get to know him. Underneath it all he’s a big puppy dog.
AMBER
Are you guys all related?
ANNIE
That’s a funny question, why do you ask that?
AMBER
Well, you look similar. I can see a resemblance.
ANNIE
Oh, well, I guess if you work with someone long enough, you can start to blend in together.
AMBER
How long have you all known each other?
ANNIE
Oh, the boys and me, we go way back. Farmingdale High, class of eighty-four. (Shaking her head) They haven’t changed a bit.
AMBER
Yes, I can see that. (Looks at ANNIE’S hair). Do you guys ever get out of town, or you’ve stayed here your whole lives?
ANNIE
(Proudly) Been here my whole life. How ‘bout you, what’s your story?
AMBER
My parents bought a house over on Elm Street. They wanted a quieter life. My mother said Manhattan was suffocating her so, they moved out here. She wants to concentrate on her painting. Then, when I graduated from college last year, I moved back home to be with them. They want me to apply to graduate school. So, I’m doing that while trying to get my art portfolio together. I figured working through the temp agency would make me some money while I’m here.
ANNIE
Wow, sounds like you’ve had an exciting life so far.
AMBER
Well, I just want to get my career started. I’ve been working with a gallery owner at night. He says he can help. I hope so. I’ll be leaving here as soon as I can. I just need a break, for someone to discover me.
ANNIE
Well, I hope not too soon. We’re just getting to know ya.
BLACKOUT
ACT I, Scene 3
TIME: One month later.
AT RISE: Everyone is sitting at their desks.
AMBER has become accustomed to everyone’s style. Although, she is still embarrassed about where she works. She rushes into the office, everyone is already at their seats.
ANNIE
(Curiously) You’re late?
AMBER
(Apologetically) Sorry about that, I was up late last night working on an installment piece for the gallery.
ANNIE
(Excited) Busy girl, I can’t wait to see it. When’s the opening? Are you having a party?
AMBER
(Flustered) Oh, well, I’m not sure there will be a party. And if there were one, I’m sure you’re much too busy. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to go anyway…
ANNIE
(Winking) Nonsense, never too busy for a friend.
AMBER
(Appreciative) Gee, thanks.
ANNIE
(Earnestly) Amber, I’d like to talk to you about something. And I ‘d really like you to consider it. We’d really like you to join us here full time, honey. You’re doing a great job and I think you really fit in here nicely.
AMBER
Thank you for saying that, Annie; I really do appreciate it, but I’m really concentrating on getting my art career started.
ANNIE
Well, that certainly is understandable, but it’s very hard, honey. You could do this job as a base for yourself. So you don’t get too lost—
AMBER
I’d be worried if I had a full-time office job…here… that I would lose my artistic style and vision.
ANNIE
Well, please just consider it. The offer is there.
AMBER
Okay, thanks, Annie.
VIC
(Gets up and walks over to AMBER’S desk) Hey baby, when are you going out on a date with me?
AMBER
(Flatly, without humor) In your dreams, Vic. And it’s Amber; I’m not your baby.
VIC
Hey, I went by your gallery last night, so I went in looking for you.
AMBER
(Astonished, with underlying suspicion) You did not. You actually asked for me?
VIC
(Dismissive) Of course, I did. Some guy with some frilly name said you’d already left. And I have to say, they call that art? I could make that stuff in my garage.
AMBER
Ugh. You don’t understand art at all. You didn’t say anything did you?
VIC
Why, do I embarrass you around your “art friends?” I have a right to my own opinion and the stuff in there was pure junk. I’m telling you, I could’ve done better in high school shop class.
AMBER
It’s called sculpture, and Serge is an acclaimed artist. I really hope you didn’t get into it with him.
VIC
Well, it’s not my style anyway. That guy is full of crap with his tight sweaters and skinny pants. And what kind of hair was that?
AMBER
(Piqued) Serge’s hair? Vic, the eighties, called; they said they wanted their hairstyle back.
VIC
(Goading) It looks like you’re the odd one out here. When are you going to cut your hair?
AMBER
Ewww, and when are you going to get rid of that car?
VIC
(Laughing) Oh, Amber, you’re a funny one. I’ll see you later (He walks to his desk).
ANNIE
(Fetching) You and Vic have gotten chummy.
AMBER
(Shrugging, a touch dismissive) Yeah, whatever. He’s still a bit much with that mullet. (Grimacing, she puts her hand over her mouth, looking at ANNIE’s hair.) Oh, sorry, Annie.
ANNIE
Mullet? What’s that? You mean our hairstyles?
AMBER
Annie, have you ever noticed when you’re out, say, at a store in another town or at the mall?
ANNIE
Oh, no, I never go to the mall, too expensive.
AMBER
But don’t you see that you guys have hair, unlike anyone else? I mean, what are the chances of everyone working here having the same hair?
ANNIE
Really? My hair? I love my hair. It’s so easy to maintain, it’s long and flowing in the back, yet it never gets in my way. Look at you. You’re always fussing with your hair, don’t get me wrong, you look very pretty. Heh, I mean, I can see why Vic likes you.
AMBER
Oh, never mind the hair. I apologize if I offended you.
ANNIE
Is that why you never want to go out with us?
AMBER
Oh god Annie, is that what you think? Of course not, Annie, you know how busy I’ve been with the gallery. I don’t have time to hang out with anyone.
ANNIE
Yes, but you don’t want any of us coming there. Oh, I am sorry that we embarrass you.
AMBER
No, I’m sorry, you guys are good people. I have nothing against you. Hey, I know. How about I introduce you to my hairstylist, Annie? We’ll have a girl’s night out. We can get our hair and nails done, put on some fancy clothes, and go out for a drink. You’ll love it, Annie, really. Can we forget my slip of the tongue?
ANNIE
Oh honey, you’re sweet. That sounds like fun, but I don’t think I’m ready to change my hair. I really do love it. I never really noticed my hair was different.
AMBER
Yes, but Annie, just think about it: if I helped you with a makeover, You might get some hits on your online dating service. You’re such a sweet person. You just need a bit of help updating your image.
ANNIE
We’ll have to see about that.
BLACKOUT
ACT I, Scene 4
AT RISE: AMBER alone on stage, spotlight on her. The background is dark.
AMBER
I feel so bad about what I said to Annie. How can I be so shallow? But, I can’t believe I’m still here, I thought for sure it would be just one day. I pleaded with the agency to move me somewhere else… I mean really, this atmosphere is awful. What is wrong with these people? Can’t anyone talk some sense into them? How could I find an office filled with mullets? The ugliest hairstyle of all times. You wouldn’t believe it if I wrote it in a story. And they make me (pointing inward) feel like the odd one out!
(Emphatically) I am not the strange one here. I will not be brought down to their acid washed level.
(Yelling offstage to wings) C’mon people get a grip! There’s a whole world out there! A whole world that… that doesn’t have a mullet!
(Quiet again) I mean- they’re good people and all. But, I could never hang out in public with them looking like that. It’s as if they’re in a time warp circa 1982.
ENTER ANNIE, JIMMY, VIC and EXTRAS, in a trance-like manner, all carrying scissors in their hands. AMBER stops talking to look at THEM coming.
ALL (but AMBER)
(Chanting) Mullet, Mullet, Mullet.
AMBER
(Looking around, confused) No!
THEY come at her, chopping their scissors. She falls to the ground as they stand over her.
ALL (except AMBER)
(Chanting) Mullet, Mullet, Mullet.
AMBER
(Screams) No! You can’t make me do it. I won’t, no!
Beat
THEY walk away from AMBER, still trance-like. SHE’S curled up in a ball on the floor, whimpering. She stands up with scissors in her hand, feeling her hair.
AMBER
(Looking at scissors) No! No! Is there a mirror anywhere?
She runs to center stage and uses the audience as a mirror.
AMBER
A mullet? On me? Oh, what has happened to me? Is this a terrible dream? When did I become one of them? I never meant to let it happen! Did I do this? Why do I have scissors in my hand? I’ve got to get out of this job- they’re turning me. I never wanted to lose my sense of self; it was only supposed to be temporary! I don’t want to be one of them! (Looking intently in the “mirror,” she starts preening herself.) Why it’s, it’s… so comfortable, so free. Why, I don’t mind it at all. In fact, if I just throw a pin in it, I think I can get away with it. It really doesn’t look too bad. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I like it; it feels good. (Justifying) I can still be hip. Maybe I’ll even set a new trend with my friends. I haven’t lost my mind have I? Just wait until they all see in the morning.
BLACKOUT
ACT I, Scene 5
Time: The following day-Morning.
ENTER AMBER. She walks into the office sporting her new mullet. EVERYONE is sitting at desks. She looks around as EVERYONE has had a new haircut without mullets.
AMBER
Hi, every-—no! What’s going on?
ANNIE
(Looks up, noticing AMBER’S hair) Hi Amber, why look, you got your haircut.
AMBER
(Pointing at each) And so have you, Jimmy, Vic, Bob, and Suzanne. How can this be?
ANNIE
Amber, we have to keep up with the times, don’t we? That is, if we’re going to hang with a hip youngster like you.
AMBER
I just didn’t realize I had such an impact on you guys. I mean, you’ve all been working together for twenty years, and you never changed before.
ANNIE
Honey, your opinion is important to us. Hey, did they set a date for your exhibit?
AMBER
(Deflated) No, It was canceled. Serge said something about not having enough funding or interest, or something. I guess he doesn’t think I’m ready.
ANNIE
I’m sorry, honey; I know how much it meant to you. If you keep working at it, you’ll get there soon enough.
VIC
(Looks up from his desk, smiling) Hey AMBER, nice hair, wow! I never thought we’d convert you.
AMBER
(Still in shock) But, your hair is short; you cut off your mullet.
VIC
Yeah, well, I was tired of you riding me about it, so, uh, after work last night, we all decided to cut them all off. I tell ya, I can’t believe I didn’t do this a long time ago. It feels strange, but it feels good—no more long hair scratching at my neck.
AMBER scrambles in her bag, looking for hair clips. SHE frantically starts putting her hair up and back so it no longer looks like a mullet.
VIC
So, now that I cut my hair, will you go out with me?
AMBER
(Feeling better with her hair up) Yeah, right, Vic, just look at the way you dress.
END Of PLAY
