Regrets Only, Please
Regrets Only, Please
Characters:
SABRINA: A woman in her late 30s/early 40s, anxious and eager.
TELLER: A woman in her late 50s/early 60s, world-weary but with a dry wit.
SETTING: A stark, minimalist office. A single desk sits center stage with a sign reading “Regrets Only.”
AT RISE: SABRINA enters through the office doors, rushing and out of breath. She spots the “Regrets Only” sign and approaches the desk where the TELLER is sitting getting ready to leave for the day.
SABRINA: Woo! Hello? Is this the Regrets Only desk? Am I too late? I hope not! I regret not leaving my house earlier. Traffic on the 405 was lamentably packed, as usual. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.
TELLER: (Sighs) I regret to tell you that I’ve already shut down my computer.
SABRINA: (Dismayed) No! Please, can you turn it back on?
TELLER: No, sorry.
SABRINA: Well… how about writing it on a pad of paper? You could put it in the computer tomorrow?
TELLER: (Annoyed and impatient) Sorry, lady. I’m trying to get out of here. I need to get to happy hour at the Rueful Roast. I can get half-price on my steak dinner.
SABRINA: (Subdued) Oh, I’m sorry. Look, you won’t regret it! I’ll pay the difference. I really need to get this off my chest before it’s too late.
TELLER: Well, if you’re offering, I’d prefer the Joyful Jambone. I love French food.
SABRINA: Sure, that’s fine! I really need to get this down before it’s too late. I’d be so disappointed.
TELLER: Sure, sure. I’ll just record it, okay? (Pulls out a mini recorder)
SABRINA: (Relieved) Wonderful! It all started with my diagnosis. It made me realize everything I took for granted and how much time I wasted. I figure if I hadn’t wasted half my life being bored, lounging about, watching mindless TV, cleaning my house from top to bottom every week… I might have been further along.
TELLER: (Concerned) Oh yes, sounds like you have a lot to regret. You’ve come to the right place. (Leans down and opens a drawer in her desk, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of iced tea) Pick your pleasure, and don’t regret it. If you choose the whiskey, you throw caution to the wind. If you choose iced tea, you’ll respect your body. It’s sugar-free.
SABRINA: Oh, well, that whiskey is tempting me, but I don’t want a hangover.
TELLER: You won’t get a hangover. I’ll tell you when to stop. That’s the trouble with regretful people. They overthink and overdrink. One drink will help break the cycle of regret, please. Don’t worry.
(SABRINA nods, and the TELLER brings out two glasses and pours the whiskey. They lift their drinks.)
TELLER: To life.
SABRINA: I regret not coming here sooner. I’ve been so ashamed of my regret in a world of positive people with wonderful lives.
TELLER: It’s a fallacy. Look at my book. (Pulls out a very thick book) The world is full of regretful people. But it isn’t too late for you because you’re here. That’s a start. And tomorrow, you can do one thing… and don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t. It takes baby steps to break the cycle of regret, but I can help you.
SABRINA: Oh, I’m so relieved. But can I tell you about my regrets?
TELLER: There’s no need.
SABRINA: Yes, I think there is!
TELLER: No, believe me. It does no good to go over all the things you regret.
SABRINA: Really? Wow. Well, I feel better knowing that. Bottoms up!
(They toast and sip their drinks. SABRINA sits back and envisions her new world.)
BLACKOUT
