Matters of Great Concern

Matters of Great Concern

Matters of Great Concern

“I matter,” says Suzi proudly.

Geri smiles sympathetically, her red lips pressed tight, holding the truth, not knowing how to break the news. Just do it, her mind urges.

Geri’s lips part. “Oh, Suzi, I’m sorry to tell you—you’re wrong. You don’t matter.”

Suzi blinks.

“I believe you used to,” Geri continues, earnestly. “I truly do. But there’s a New World Order now, and I have a list of who matters and who doesn’t. I don’t see your name on it.”

She holds up a clipboard, tapping the paper with her manicured nail.

“It’s true,” she says. “The only people who matter now don’t have nicknames as legal names. We only recognize proper names—Suzanne, Jennifer, Michael, Anthony. You get it, right? People who don’t matter are the ones whose birth certificates list their names as Suzi, Jenny, Mike, and Tony. People went too far with their liberties.”

She shrugs. “Don’t worry—you can still exist here. You can still live freely. It’s just that… you won’t matter.”

Suzi stares at her, then sinks into the cold metal folding chair at the unemployment office on Main Street.

“This doesn’t make any sense,” she says. “Why would that matter?”

“I’m afraid everything matters now,” Geri replies. “Except for you, of course.”

Suzi folds her arms. “That sounds so arbitrary. I mean, we didn’t have a choice in how our parents named us.”

“I realize this may come as a surprise,” Geri says smoothly. “Obviously, your parents were free thinkers and, well… people can’t think for themselves anymore.”

She smiles with her lips but squeezes her eyes shut.

Suzi glances down, then back at her. “If we can’t think for ourselves… do any of us matter?”

Geri hesitates. “Perhaps you’re right. I haven’t read through the entire manual yet.”

Suzi leans forward. “But isn’t Geri short for Geraldine?”

Before Geri can answer, a man appears in the doorway. He wears a gray three-button suit and brown loafers, as if he stepped straight out of 1982. His graying hair is combed neatly over his balding head.

“Hello, ladies,” he says.

Suzi eyes him warily, distrusting this blast from the past.

Geri straightens. “Hello, sir.”

“I’ll need the two of you to come with me,” he says, tucking his clipboard under his arm.

Geri smiles, lifting her manual. “There’s been some mistake. I have a copy of the rules. That means I still matter.”

The man shakes his head. “We’ve made some adjustments. You’ll need to come with us too.”

His voice is calm but firm.

A pause.

Then—”Hurry up, ladies. The bus is waiting.”

Messages from the Cloud

Messages from the Cloud

Messages from the Cloud

I realize I might not be on a cloud, but that’s as far as my imagination takes me. I’m not even sure if I can see or hear you, but that’s what I’m telling myself. That’s the only way I could accept my fate. I didn’t want it. I promise you. I really just felt tired. Is that so bad?

I wonder if in my previous lives I was a lounger. Someone who sat back eating grapes one day and olives on the other, or was I worked to death with never any rest?

I thought we were supposed to learn something in our next lives, but I can’t see past now. So, I don’t know if I was or if I’m supposed to be. And I can’t see before. Was my submission ticket smudged? Did they send me the wrong lifespan? Did the messenger misunderstand my need for a nap and a personal organizer?

Will I ever reach enlightenment? I don’t recall, but when I left, my enlightenment light bulb didn’t light up. So maybe I didn’t, but maybe I will.

If I get another ticket, will I stop watching and protecting you? It’s not my choice. They pretend to be kind. But how kind is it to steal a person from their loved ones? I wonder if I can be a detective here. Is there any autonomy? Do I have any say?

I think people like to tell stories, but these stories really skewed my view. It isn’t like that at all. Not at all. I wonder if I can speak to Cupid. Can I shoot a message down to you? “Eat your leafy green vegetables and get enough protein! Make sure you meditate, stretch. Keep your muscles and body strong—but don’t go to an extreme. Watch out for scammers and save your money, but also spend money on adventure. Just don’t waste it!”

I wish I knew if money could even translate up here. I guess not, but does anyone have any say about any of this? I feel like I’m in the industrial revolution working in a line. Really? I never wanted this. It’s boring as fuck.

Facebook Said You Were Dead

Facebook Said You Were Dead

Facebook Said You Were Dead

I heard a rumor that you were dead. Is that true? Maybe you just moved on from Facebook? I went to your page, and there were all these posts that talked about how they “miss you,” “gone too soon,” and “I remember when.”

Maybe it was a prompt from Facebook: Fill this person’s news feed with dozens of posts with those sentence starters. Do you think it’s a Facebook automation? How do they do it? I really wish I were in one of those meetings with Mark Zuckerberg. He might be a thief, liar, and jerk, but he sure knows how to assemble a great meeting of the minds. I’m wary of his meeting with Trump, though.

So how did they figure it out? I bet they started with a notification ding—”You haven’t posted on so-and-so’s page in a while. Why don’t you start a post with ‘I miss you,'” for example.

So they bombarded Facebook abandoners’ feeds with messages from dozens of friends. So then Facebook sends an email for each message to the abandoner so they get back onto Facebook, even if it’s just to turn off notifications. They’ve got you. They’re back, and you’re engaged, and maybe you’ll click on one of the dozen or so sponsored posts, and Facebook is back to making money on you again. These are the types of things they discuss, plan, and implement in these meetings. I sure wish I lived in Palo Alto. Is that where their headquarters are? If not, I could always go to Stanford University. Even if I sit somewhere on campus near other people, I’m bound to learn something.

I wonder if I should write a post on your page. I would definitely say, “I remember when we put on matching outfits with tutus and rhinestone suspenders and we danced to ‘I Feel Good’ by James Brown. That was my favorite memory of you.” So I hope you aren’t dead and this is just another one of Facebook’s tactics.

I wouldn’t put it past them, but I went through my phone, and I don’t have your contact saved. I’m bummed about that because I really do like you. I just lost track of time, and so I guess your contact didn’t get saved. So if you see this, please respond to me by phone or text at 555-369-2545. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your dancing partner,

Alex